Home » Avant News

More Headlines

Hillary Vows to Press On in Face of North Carolina, Indiana Primary Setbacks

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorRaleigh, North Carolina, May 7, 2008Hillary Clinton told a crowd of several enthusiastic supporters tonight, "damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" after early results indicated she had lost the North Carolina primary elec ...

Ford, GM to Acquire Each Other

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorDetroit, August 19, 2009Automotive giants Ford Motor Company (F) and General Motors (GM) galvanized American stock markets early this afternoon with nearly simultaneous hostile bids to acquire each other. Ford was out firs ...

Citing Faltering Economy, Lawmakers to Forego Cocktails

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., May 19, 2008In a bi-partisan, largely symbolic gesture intended to draw attention to the faltering US economy and its impact on the vanishing middle class, Congress agreed today to no longer provide free ...

Nostalgic Bush Says FY09 Budget "Last Chance to Shaft the Poor"

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., February 12, 2008An unusually somber and introspective President George W. Bush, presenting the details of his $3.1 trillion fiscal year 2009 budget proposal for members of the American Plutocrats Union, ...

God Contrite About "Collateral Damage" in Huckabee Tornado Smite Attempt

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorOmnipresence, February 8, 2008God, ruler of the universe and supreme arbiter of the weather, said today He was "deeply sorry" for the many casualties incurred during His attempt to smite Republican presidential candidate M ...

House Committee Members Star Struck at Roger Clemens Hearing

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff WriterWashington, D.C., February 13, 2008Roger Clemens appeared today to testify before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform's full committee hearing on "The Mitchell Report: The Illegal Use of Stero ...

Irate Driver Inadvertently Flips Off Own Grandma

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorRegional Urban Locality, June 22, 2016A local man, Henry Dribbler, told reporters today he was distraught to have discovered that the driver to whom he flipped the bird yesterday was none other than his own maternal grandm ...

Pledging "Fresh, Clean Start", Disney Clones Britney

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorBurbank, CA, July 19, 2008A spokesman for The Walt Disney Company, creator of erratic pop diva Britney Spears, said the company has decided to "cut its losses" and genetically engineer a new, improved Britney Spears using ...

Actuary Diagnosed with Morbid Fear of Everything

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorSt. Louis, Missouri, December 9, 2014Gibber Quake, a high-ranking employee of the actuarial firm of Trembal, Schuder and Blanche, was diagnosed today with Morbid Fear of Everything, a spokesman for the St. Louis, Missouri ...

Candidate McCain Vows Not To Repeat Mistakes of 2000, 2008, 2012 Campaigns

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWest Palm Beach, Florida, January 12, 2016Republican candidate for president and former senator John McCain, speaking at a campaign rally at the Heaven's Anteroom assisted living facility in West Palm Beach, Florida, today ...

John McCain Politely Refuses Mitt Romney Endorsement

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorAlexandria, Virginia, February 14, 2008Republican presidential candidate John McCain said tonight he appreciated Mitt Romney's endorsement of his candidacy, announced just hours ago, but that it would undermine virtually e ...

In Lucky Coincidence, Errant Spy Satellite Strikes Osama

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., February 22, 2008An out-of-control American spy satellite that was due to be shot down this afternoon instead plummeted to earth and directly struck the cave hideout of international terrorist Osama bin L ...

Al-Qaeda Hires Blackwater

By Raoul Thibodeaux, Avant News Staff WriterMoyock, North Carolina July 8, 2008While the United States continues to wage its war on terror in locations where terrorists are not originally present, Al-Qaeda (also known as: al-Qaida or al-Qa'ida or al-Qa'id ...

Jesus Endorses Obama; Four Horsemen Opt for McCain

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorNew York, February 16, 2008Jesus of Nazareth, popularly perceived as the Son of God, announced his endorsement of Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama yesterday during a rare guest appearance on CBS' Late Show wi ...

Study: American Celebrities Now Outnumber Fans

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorLos Angeles, March 19, 2010Andy Warhol's famous phrase, In the future, everyone will be fat and slightly stupid, correctly prognosticated two alarming social trends that have led to a sharp rise in the incidences of heart ...

AutoChat Fills the Solo Driver's Cell Phone Void

Singapore, August 29, 2008By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Tech CorrespondentWith worldwide automotive cell phone use becoming a thing of the past due to increasingly stringent safety restrictions, Singapore-based CarMate Industries has announced a new product ...

Bush Backs Investment Banker Bonus Bailout In Wake of Subprime Crisis

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorNew York, December 7, 2007President George W. Bush called today for Congress to address a "growing crisis in investment banker bonuses" in the wake of the subprime mortgage disaster. In a moving appeal delivered during the ...

Treasury Sec. Paulson Calls Chain Letter, Lotto Buyback Cures to Deficit Woes

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., March 12, 2008Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson, Jr., speaking at the annual meeting of the Conservative Economists' Union, today outlined a plan to alleviate the Bush administration's record federal de ...

Ron Paul for President Campaign Hires Top Internet Spammer

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., September 12, 2007The Ron Paul for President campaign announced today it had hired Roy R. Schecter, a widely vilified international purveyor of spam email, to bolster its seemingly unstoppable grass-roots ...

Alabama Governor Riley Asks Citizens to Curse Drought

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorMontgomery, Alabama, August 2, 2007Alabama Governor Bob Riley, who led a successful if short-lived effort to alleviate Alabama's water shortages through a government-sponsored state-wide "Pray for Rain" campaign in July, i ...

President Ron Paul Deported Under Ron Paul's No Amnesty Law

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., March 29, 2009President Ron Paul was deported this morning to his ancestral home of Krakpotka, Ukraine, under the terms of the controversial Ron Paul's No Amnesty, No Welfare for Illegal Aliens Act. The l ...

Rogue Goose Foils Final Missile Shield Test

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorHurricane Harbor, California, October 27, 2008An errant Canada goose has been blamed for the failure of the 25th and final test of George W. Bush's missile shield, a defense department spokesman said today. The failure, th ...

Wal-Mart Goes Green: The New Wal-Mart Employee Emissions Reduction Program

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorBentonville, Arkansas, March 22, 2089International low-budget retail conglomerate Wal-Mart said today it has joined the ranks of environmentally-friendly businesses with the announcement of WMEERP!, the Wal-Mart Employee E ...

Study Suggests Soul Sale Obesity Panacea

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorPalo Alto, California, August 12, 2022A team of metaphysical researchers announced today a discovery that may provide a quick, painless, unexpected cure for chronic obesity. The dramatic conclusions were made public follow ...

George W. Bush to Replace Will Shortz as NYT Crossword Puzzle Editor

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorNew York and Washington, D.C., January 3, 2009In a development that has surprised political pundits and puzzle enthusiasts alike, the New York Times announced today that President George W. Bush will be replacing retiring ...

White House to Name Czar Czar

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorWashington, D.C., June 12, 2009Responding to growing public dissatisfaction with the administration of President Mayor Rudy Giuliani, the White House announced today the imminent appointment of a Czar Czar who will persona ...

China First With Citizen RFID Implants

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorBeijing, March 19, 2010A press release issued by the Chinese government today announced the countrywide implementation of a new high-tech tracking initiative designed to "increase security and prosperity for all citizens o ...

Oil Exec Sequestration May Provide Answer to Global Warming

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorReno, August 12, 2012A controversial proposal released today may offer a simple, easily applied solution to the intractable issues of climate change and global warming. Developed by scientists at the Nevada-based Reno Inst ...

In Quest for Conservative Credentials, McCain Burns Witch

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorAlexandria, Virginia, February 12, 2008Republican presidential candidate John McCain burned a witch yesterday outside his campaign headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, in a gesture some political analysts believe was inte ...

Virginia Boy Scouts Stumble on Cheney's Undisclosed Location

By Ion Zwitter, Avant News EditorRoanoke, Virginia, March 12, 2008A Blue Ridge Mountains Boy Scout troop accidentally discovered Vice President Dick Cheney's "undisclosed location" last week, a press officer with Boy Scouts of America said. The troop, con ...

 

Feed Information

Name: Avant News

Site Url: http://www.avantnews.com

Updated 5 days ago

Feed Appears In:

 Humor
 Weird